we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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