I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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