I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
