I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
that's an acceptable place to lick
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
