I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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