I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize