I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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