he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
