If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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