I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
