Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
