There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
