I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
