News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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