apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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