i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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