How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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