Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
