why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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