I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
