I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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