i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
