If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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