He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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