what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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