Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
