..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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