I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
