Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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