I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
