we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
