Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
