Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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