It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Even my vagina gasped.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
