GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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