omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
