Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
