i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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