tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
