I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
