that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
