Swine flu. Run for my life!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
