I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
