he wants to bone in the snuggie
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
