the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
