Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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