i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
