My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
