Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
