This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
