I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
