I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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