she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
