mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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