So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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