Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
